the last lap

here i am. like i was thrice before. bored. tired. pissed off. i've just given the second of that unending set of monthly tests we call sessionals over here. this one's gone especially bad. throughout my life, i've been kind of nerdy - conscious of marks, forever in a sense of competing to be at the top of the rank - roll. but recently i've learnt to relax a little bit, enjoy other activities. maybe its because most of our fucked-up syllabus is entirely material to be learnt & vommitted on the answer sheets. toppers going & writing word to word of whatever has been provided in the preparatory presentation slides, down to the very positions of the hyphens, semicolons & exclamation marks. i'm just tired. tired of sitting down day after day trying to cram bits & pieces of stuff i wont remember two days later. i'm tired of working three to four times the amount which other people work &but still end end with half the marks which they got. i'm tired of repeating to myself, "its ok, you'll do better next time." i'm tired of getting a 12 when the class average is a 18.

i'm tired of going back to the phase of repeating the mantra to myself, "this is the last lap, its the most important. do your best."